Scotland the Brave

Ach, and a hoot-mon to you. I'm here today to talk to you about a topic very close to my heart.

MY RIBS. HA HA HA.

Also, Scotland.

Now, very much like my ribs, Scotland is located above England. It sometimes gets a bad press, just like my ribs. It's full of drunk teenagers and deep fried Mars Bars, just like my ribs. IT'S LIKE MY RIBS.

Scotland was actually invented in the Victorian era to give the poor masses in London something to look down upon. When they were in their 400 in a bed houses, catching cholera like the plague, they could look up North and go 'At least we aren't in Aberdeen'.

           

In fact, when building Scotland, they made sure to add only the crappiest weather and a large amount of habits and cultural quirks that were designed for the sole purpose of being made fun of. PHUN PHACT: This design was also reused for Northern Ireland and Wales.

Let's get some audience participation going here. What do you, the reader, imagine when you think about Scotland?

Do you think of the lone bagpiper?

The majestic musician, standing on a street corner, playing the same GODDAMN TUNE FOR ABOUT HALF AN HOUR WITHOUT PAUSING. WHO IS ACTUALLY LISTENING TO YOU,  SERIOUSLY? YOUR 'FANS'? NOT LIKELY. STOP IT.

Or how about the drunk?

Not much else needs to be said about the drunk. He's drunk. There's not going to be a dance routine or anything. OH WAIT: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AB_uJwwNEtw

You might even think of beautiful countryside, and foreboding cliff faces, breaking out into a violent and overpowering sea.

But only an idiot would believe that's what Scotland's really like. Imagine this picture, but seen through a haze of fog and crisp packets. Also, that blue sky? Tells you it's not actually Scotland.

Above is an artist's impression of the real Scotland.

Funnily enough, I came from Scotland. You couldn't tell nowadays, though. Not after losing my thick ginger beard and putting the kilt in the cupboard. However, I have kept some of the old Scottish traits in me. I never wash, I can't count to ten, and I have a true fear of spending money. And sunlight. Scared of sunlight.

If any of you sun-people want to know what Scotland's really about, you need to go there. And I know about the problem with that. The problem is that anyone with any sense would never consider going there. QED, you're not going to go there.

This is one of the many reasons Scotland has descended into chaos. Yeah. Didn't hear about that on the BBC news, did you? While you drink your 'tea' and wear your 'trousers'. Did you English scum even know we've overthrown our police force? Taken to the streets in naught but a kilt and a broken beer glass? Did you know we've run out of Mars Bars to fry?

Of course not. Because anyone with any sense would never head North. That was lies madness. That way lies Scotland.

Tom McIlroy. (Proper Scottish.)

Yes. Didn't mention haggis once.